![]() ![]() God, I fuckin' LOVE cloudberries!!!! "Bakeapple"? More like "MAKESMESQUIRTINMYPANTSapple," if you ask me!!!)īut let's talk about his songwriting. ![]() (seven if there's a really weird eclipse that makes it look like a cloudberry. What's with all of Tom's annoying metaphors? I'm all for a light-hearted comparison of text, but am I the only person alive who feels he might overdo it just a kibble? "Little Trip To The Moon," for example, with its endless reams of stupid astronomy-as-romance bullshit? And are we supposed to be impressed by the vision of a "Grapefruit Moon" when the song IMMEDIATELY before it on the album describes a "banana moon"? How many goddamned fruit moons do we need? I'll answer that question for you - SIX. "I got a cherry popsicle right on time"? "Fix you with a drumstick"? Oh! Which brings me to another point! ![]() And worst excitingly of all, "Ice Cream Man," a "Hit the Road Jack" ripoff that has nothing in common with the Van Halen cover of the same name besides the ass-dumb sexual innuendo. Every track is a Waits original, and all are about romance - about driving home from her house in the morning, wishing he could have stayed longer about seeing a girl in a bar, not talking to her, then realizing too late that he's fallen in love with her (or at least the idea of her) about leaving a mate for the call of the road about calling up an old girlfriend FORTY YEARS LATER (presumably they were dating in the spiritual ether when they were negative sixteen years old, because Tom recorded this at age 24 and there’s no such thing as fiction) about women leaving him about using the word "lonely" six hundred billion times in three minutes. THERE!) and some hornies a-tootin' as well. Musically, you'll find jazzy piano, folky acoustic guitar strummin', acoustic bass bwoomping, some violins here and there (no, not there. When Tom Waits began his career, he did NOT have the scraggly vomitous phlegm voice by which he is now recognized worldround instead he had a lightly ruffled Sir Drinksalot slightly Dylan-esque wheeze in his throat as he sang merry romantic tales of loves gained, lost and left behind. Oh, but who am I to mix metaphors? Let's get back to Tom Waits for just a brief moment before I continue telling you about the day I was born. Closing Time indeed it was for me that year, as I was forcefully shoved out of my comfortable womb of wine, whiskey and women into the moderntimes daylight of a hospital, squinting from the brightness and longing for the days when I could just swish around with a hose in my belly button instead of having to write write endlessly write record reviews for the King in order to avoid being beheaded. And Tom Waits and I have been on the same trailblazing passageway ever since. As most everybody in history knows, this album came out the very same year that I was born. I know who I want to take me home! No, come on. Also, please note that he has 4000 cigarette butts lodged in his throat and is engaged in a constant battle to sing through them. The second half of his career is as a clanky rhythm-filled combination of German oompah music (every song has the same goddamned bass line) and demented carnival music. The first half was as a bar-describing night life jazz skat piano love-lost drinking walking home at dawn lounge guy, and the second half was I'M NOT THERE YET! Tom Waits has had two separate careers, they tell me. Paragraph! Closing Time The Heart Of Saturday Night Nighthawks At The Diner Small Change Foreign Affairs Blue Valentine Heartattack And Vine One From The Heart Swordfishtrombones Rain Dogs Franks Wild Years Big Time Night On Earth Bone Machine The Black Rider Mule Variations Alice Blood Money Real Gone Orphans: Brawlers, Bawlers & Bastards Glitter And Doom Live Bad As Me Guy Who Changes Halfway Through His Career special introductory
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